Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
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Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“what that mouth do?” complain
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.