Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
This made me chuckle.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it