You Might Also Like
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now