My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
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Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives