When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left