Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?