[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Never forget.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Going to church you guys need anything
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.