*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
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Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My purse is deeper than some people.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going