Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
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I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!