When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?