Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
You Might Also Like
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Intelligence is the new cleavage
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.