I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
You Might Also Like
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
🤣😂🤣
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Stick it to the man
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.