Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one