If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
wait.
This is true.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.