How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
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It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me