It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
☠️☠️☠️
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Still my favourite meme.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?