when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something