I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
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EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
For the orator and chef in all of us
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away