I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds