Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it