*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.