I think we should hear other voices.
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typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no