The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?