*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
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Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Truth
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”