People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
You Might Also Like
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.