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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”