I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
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me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.