Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
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Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.