me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
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Carpe DM
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
notice
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.