I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
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There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I’ve been learning to cook.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”