Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
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I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.