Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
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“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
This meal prepping shit is easy
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Match dot com, but for socks.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.