There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
(more comics:
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Start the year as you intend to continue.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Bond. Trauma bond.