Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
[shakes fist at other fist]
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Not today.. 😂
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.