I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.