My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
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Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.