I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
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I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV