You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-