It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me recordaron éste meme
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me