I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
You Might Also Like
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Become ungovernable.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.