I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.