When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot