You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
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in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Proctology is located in A55
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*