BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
It do be feeling this way.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Yoga Matt
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.