Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
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Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.