1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
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SPLOOT
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
can I use a minion as a tampon
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.