My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
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[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not