I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
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I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?