In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
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My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me