[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
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Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.